In the last thirty years or so our lives have become surrounded by prohibition and disapproval. There are literally hundreds of things our grandparents took for granted that we can no longer do.
Some are included in the thousands of new laws passed since New Labour took power. Some are the pronouncements of scientists and self-proclaimed experts in the fields of health or public safety. Some are the result of bungling by the police, or misinterpretation of the law. Others are diktats from the European Union.
Many are caused by local government officials flexing their muscles and throwing their weight about. Still more emanate from our culture of political correctness, from our fondness for casting blame and leaping to litigation, and from the eagerness with which we take offence at the least little thing or see offence where none exists.
A huge number of them - just over 200 in fact - are things you shouldn't do, wear, live in, ride on, smoke, drink, eat, use or visit because they'll give you cancer. In some cases they are contradictory - for instance, breast-feeding increases your chances of cancer, but then so does not breast-feeding. It just goes to show that you can prove anything you like with statistics. 99% of murder victims were wearing clothes at the time of their deaths, so obviously clothes increase your chances of being murdered.
1. You can't call yourself a Yid. If you are one, that is.
2. Or, according to Tottenham Hotspur FC, you can't call yourself a Yid if you aren't one.
3. You can't carry celery when attending a Chelsea match.
4. You can't send your child to university if you went to one yourself. I mean, be fair. You had your turn.
5. You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being lectured about Global Warming.
6. You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being moved on by some local council jobsworth armed with a £50 fixed penalty notice.
7. You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being told to wear Factor 1,000 in case you burn.
8. You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being harangued because it offends Islam.
9. You can't lie in the sun in your garden or the park or at the beach without being suspected of child abuse.
10. You can't drop a (completely bio-degradable, in my case) fag end in the gutter.
11. You can't call anyone a black bastard, because that's racist.
12. You can't tell anyone about someone else calling people black bastards, because that's racist too.
13. You can't tell anyone about someone else telling someone else about calling people black bastards, because that's racist squared.
14. You can't stand up and cheer when your team score. They've given you seats, so you can damn-well sit in them.
15. You can't drive with your eyes on the road rather than the speedometer.
16. You can't do, write or say anything without looking over your shoulder in case someone doesn't like it.
17. You can't send out of the country people who've come here illegally or come as our guests and then commit crimes or plot to kill us.
18. You can't fly without being made to feel guilty.
19. You can't drive without being made to feel guilty.
20. You can't smoke without being made to feel guilty.
21. You can't eat without being made to feel guilty.
22. You can't put salt on your chips without feeling guilty.
23. You can't eat chips without feeling guilty.
24. You can't eat fish without feeling guilty (unless you're Japanese).
25. You can't have sex with a woman without being made to feel guilty because she isn't a man.
26. You can't drive a nice big car without some woman in dungarees giving you a hard time.
27. You can't refer to someone as a cream-puff without being arrested.
28. You can't have a bonfire and fireworks without some tosser from elfin safety knocking on your door and telling you (a) how to do it, and/or (b) not to do it.
29. You can't ogle a barmaid without being accused of sexual harassment.
30. You can't find it a bit odd and slightly distasteful when men fiddle around with each other's privates or stick things up their bottoms.
31. You can't work with, around or close to children without being branded a potential pervert.
For the rest..
Link to Grumpy Old Sod..
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